How To Raise a Plaga
by Snow Puff
Summary: Life has never been fair, especially if you're willing to join a cult with a crazy leader who's hellbent on injecting everyone he sees with an ancient parasite. Last chapter up!
1. Introduction or Yo Mama's So Dumb

You walk forward into the dank room. Wiping away a large amount of dust off of a rather worn-looking desk, you see a leather-bound, handwritten book. In gold ink, the cover reads 'How to Raise a Plaga' and under it, in three different handwritings, the names of the apparent authors of this… interesting piece of literature. You look the book after wiping some more dust off of it; you were looking for something to read anyway…

How to Raise a Plaga: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know (And More)

By: _Ramon Salazar, _**Bitores Mendez, **and Osmond Saddler (Why is my name last? _It's alphabetical. _**Uh… No it's not. **_Shut up! _)

You blink a few times, turning away form the cover of the book. 'These guys are a couple of raisin cakes!' you think. 'They sound like they're just having a conversation; not writing a book!' Unable to just put down the book and turn away (like any sane person would), you open the cover to the first page.

Introduction 

_So, you want to be part of the Los Illuminados, huh? Well, you've just made a huge mistake. The same one I made a few years ago. In my defense, however, it was Mardi Gras and I ran out of beads!_

What the hell are you talking about?

_I have no clue (sweatdrop)…_

**Uh… (sweatdrop?) **

_It shows embarrassment and sheepish-nish._

**Nish? **

_Look, I'm nineteen! I'm allowed to make stupid mistakes! It's like my job or something..._

**I'm 46 and I'm still allowed to make mistakes… And Saddler's 80 and he can make mistakes, too. **

What!

**Oh, I'm sorry… 81. **

(Growls)

**I uh… (sweatdrop?) I'm just going to shut up know… Yeah… **

_Well, this has been a fantastic way to waste a page… Do you both know how much I spent on this book? _

Do you even know how rich you are?

**Yeah, Ramon! You live in a frickin castle! **

_It's inherited; I didn't buy the damn thing! _

Oh, yeah, it's inherited… JUST LIKE YOUR MASSIVE FORTUNE!

_Just like your massive head! _

**Was that supposed to be an insult? **

If it was, it completely sucked, my friend.

_Well… Yo mama's so dumb; when she took the SATs they thought the dodo came back from extinction! _

What does that even mean?

**It's a 'Yo mama' joke. Did you just make that up on the top of your head? **

_Yes I did. I'm proud of it, too. _

Quite.

**Okay. I know you both have a serious case of ADD, and I know that you refuse to take your Ritalin, but can we please try and stay on topic? **

_I'm not gonna try; I'm ADD and PROUD, bitches! Oo! A penny! _

**Well, I suppose that on top of Ramon's complex about his parents never being there when he was young, he was bound to develop something more that a slight case of depression… **

_Hey! I had a good life, yeah! You bet your ass I did! Yeah! You wanna arm wrestle? _

**Friend, I'd break your arm off. And I don't want that to happen. **

Well, I might have ADD, but at least I don't have schizophrenia!

**We don't either; Schizophrenia is not the same as speaking telepathically. **

_Did you do research on this in your free time? _

**No. My college major was psychology. **

_It was? _

**Yes, it was. Now, if you both please, may we simply end this introduction? It has no point and it truly embarrasses you both. **

_Hey! I don't need any help embarrassing myself, thank you! _

I noticed.

**As did I. **

_You both suck… I'm going out back to play with my dogs. _

You might not want to do that…

_Why not? They're mine! _

Yes, but now they're infected with the Plagas. They're dangerous, you idiot.

_Too fucking bad! Good-bye! _

You stare at the page 'What the hell?' you wonder. 'I've read many weird things in my life; but this honestly takes the proverbial cake!' You look around to see if anyone else is around. Seeing no one, you close the book and put it in your backpack. 'No one'll miss this thing. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only one who knows that this is here…' You shoulder your bag and walk out of the room, anxious to read more of your new novel.

$$!$#$# AUTHOR'S NOTES $$!$#$#

Yo, ma homies! (Sorry; I couldn't resist.) Anywho… I'm not really sure if I like the whole second person PoV thing, so that's really just in the works at the moment. The whole idea of this is just to give me something really stupid and pointless to write. I'm honestly not expecting reviews for this, but I will probably update this piece of crap whenever I have a case of writers' block and I need something to break it. So, yeah. It'll be a really random story that has no set plot and no point whatsoever. I'll let the content reflect my mood at the time, so when I'm depressed, guess what, this'll be depressing. When I'm feeling rather ADD, it'll turn out like this chapter. My whole point in saying this is dont count on it being random and funny the whole way through. Okay, now that I've bored you to death… Review if you want to; I honestly don't care.

Peace OUT!

Snow Puff


	2. Chapter One or Play Nice with the Others

Bwahahaha! I'm back! (After nearly a month…) Sorry it took me so long to update this thing; I've been bogged down with homework. Reviews! I got reviews for this piece of crap! Yay!

To The Yorkshire Merchant: Omigod! You really need to update! You're worse than I am! Please? Anyway, I'm glad you like it. The 'yo mama' joke was spawned from a weird conversation with my friends about what the Los Illuminados do in their free time… It was… Different… Good news for you – I decided to add the Merchant to this chapter! Squee!

To IceBlade09: And you! You need to update, too! But that is a rant for another time… I'm glad you like it, and I'm even gladder that you can understand it. That's always a good thing! P.S. Yeah, those dogs creep me out to this day; I personally don't like dogs that could kill me in my sleep, but to each his own, right?

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Arriving back at your house, you quickly run into your room, lock the door and pull out your new book. Excited to see what the next chapter holds, you immediately flip through the introduction and open to 'Chapter One'. When you saw the page it was on, you nearly drop the book; It was splattered with blood. Even though you wouldn't readily admit it, you were terrified by blood. Taking a slightly closer look at the page you notice a few long silvery strands of hair, streaked red with blood near the root. 'My God! What happened?' Your question gets answered when you see a two-letter word in Salazar's familiar handwriting…

Chapter One: Play Nice with the Other Kids

_Ow._

**Jesus Christ! What the hell happened to you?**

_Those God-damned Colmillos happened to me! And please, Bitores don't get all 'mother hen' on me, m'kay?_

I know this isn't the best time to say I told you so but…

_I see a light… It's a very bright light… I think I'll go towards it…_

**No Ramon! Don't go towards the light! Go away from the light! AWAY!**

_Chill the fuck out. I'm joking. Damn it! You are weird… Wait – are you crying?_

You take notice to some wrinkles in the page. 'Looks like some bit of water dried here… Was Mendez crying?'

**N-no. I'm not crying! There's just… Something in my eye.**

God. Of every henchman I could have chosen, I got the gayest pair on the block…

_What did you just say! Ow… My head is killing me…_

**Well, yeah it IS bleeding. Speaking of your head… What ever happened to your hat?**

_What do you mean, what happened to it? It's right on top of my head, isn't it? Son of a bitch! Those jack-offs must of taken it! I'm going in!_

**What? No! I refuse to let you risk your life for a dumb hat! **

_Go to hell!_

While we're on the subject of lost articles of clothing… Ramon, what in the hell happened to your shirt?

_That I actually noticed I lost! I needed to create a distraction while I gathered the two halves of the Moon Stone, so I tossed my shirt behind me and prayed to God that it would land on one of the Colmillos' heads…_

Did it work?

_I have no idea._

Good job.

_It seemed like a good idea at the time…_

**It also seems as if you're going to die in three seconds from lack of blood. Can we get him to a hospital, please?**

_No! NO! I hate hospitals! I won't even go say 'hi' to Louis any more because that lab reminds me WAY too much of a hospital… The shots, the waiting, the doctors… Who needs it?_

**Well, for one, you do. By the look of that gash, it looks very possible that it could be a little too close to an artery for my tastes…**

_Don't be such a baby… I'll live! I've been through worse injuries than this!_

You have?

_Yeah, like that one time Krauser punched me in the ribs._

But nothing was broken…

_I still say you and all those X-rays are wrong about that!_

**X-rays CAN'T be wrong… sigh There's no use in arguing with you.**

_Because I'm so stubborn?_

**No. Because your pale, bloodstained chest turns me on. Can we just do something about this?**

_What?_

**What 'what'?**

'_What the fuck?' what!_

**I was being sarcastic, asshole.**

_Okay, then… We don't speak of this again, got it?_

Oh, I beg to differ… plays tape recorder

**SON OF A BITCH!**

_I'll never find a woman if this gets out. Don't you dare, Saddler!_

Don't worry; I'm not just saving this for a rainy day – I'll use it as… insurance. I know for a fact that neither one of you want to be thought of as queers, so if you ever think of betraying me, this'll stop you.

'_**Ello there strangers! Got somethin' that might interest ya, hehehe!**_

_Who the hell are you and how the hell did you get in my house?_

_**I'm just a simple merchant who's lived 'ere for months. And ya might want ta try and use normal locks stranger. I've got some on sale if ya want.**_

_No it's okay… Damn it! I thought that the moat and drawbridge and all those dumb puzzles were supposed to stop people…_

**What else have you got? Anything that could help us?**

_**I've got First Aid Spray, if tha's wot you're lookin' for. It'll heal any cuts you might have and from what I hear, it makes a bloody nice bug spray…**_

**How much?**

_**10,000 pesatas.**_

_You're kidding right? There is no way in hell I'm paying that much!_

**You're dying, you little asshole! And I'll pay for it, if it makes you feel better!**

_No… I'll pay… Here you go, you British bastard._

_**Hehehe. Thank ye, stranger.**_

_That's highway robbery, just so you know… _

_**I know. And may I jus' say tha' for someone who is three feet tall, you look quite good.**_

_Thank you; I work out. Wait! You're trying to distract me, aren't you? I swear if this crap doesn't work, I'm kicking you the hell off of my property faster than the Hatfields did to the McCoys!_

_**I'll try and keep tha' in mind…**_

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Well, here it is, chapter two! Ie, ie! Anyway, chapter three'll be posted soon, with any luck. Till next time!

Snow Puff


	3. The Plot Thickens: The X Mas Special

Yay! More reviews! (Rather than using the 'reply' feature, I'm using this because I had my responses all typed out before it was added. So yeah, this'll be the last chapter that has review responses. How sad.)

To** The Yorkshire Merchant – Now with added sugar**: I'm glad you liked the Merchant; that dude kicks ass. I would normally agree with you about the height difference but you know what they say… Opposites attract and all… Then again I've been known to come up with weird pairings, so it could just be that.

P.S. Love the new name, by the way.

To **Kadaj**: Thank you. I love entertaining people – 'tis my passion in life, you know. Mendez **should** scare you. The dude is seven feet tall; if he doesn't scare you then there is quite possibly something wrong with you. And now he's gay. EAT THAT DUBYA!

To **Jhon 117**: Yeah, those dogs… They're something else, eh? If you know who Salazar is, then you've met Mendez; you probably just don't know his name. Mendez is the village chief, AKA The (I-hate-you-Luis) 'Big Cheese'. Honestly what the fuck was Capcom smoking when they came up with that? It's two-thousand-freaking-five! No one uses that expression anymore! That was popular in the 40's along with 'bee's knees' and 'cat's meow'! Ugg! Anyway, my rant is now over. So if you still don't know who he is, he's the really tall dude with the fake eye.

To **Skarto**: Thank you! I'm writing more. Hopefully you'll like this chapter just as much as the others.

P.S. I wrote this chapter while listening to 'Down with Sickness'; you've gotten me obsessed with that song! Disturbed could well be my new favorite band. Gracias, mi amigo!

To **Coneko**: Yes! I have done something that has been considered 'kute' by the masses! My life's work is complete!

I'm taking a momentary break from the book plot (if there even _is_ a plot, that is) because it's almost the holidays! And y'all know what that means, RELITIVES FROM HELL! Now, you'll be able to see why poor, poor Ramon is so Goddamn screwed up… Aside from Saddler's little intrusion. I'm doing this in 3rd person, because I just can't figure out how this would work any other way.

Omigod! I just finished the PS2 version of RE4 (my friend bought it) and I got to play Separate Ways! It's so much fun! I don't like Ada. Period. But **now** I must admit that Ada and her Bowgun is one kick-ass combo. So, it's definitely worth a rent! **And** you get to find out what **actually** happened to Leon's jacket.

**BIG NOTE**: I do not discriminate! I'm not anti-Semitic! My Jewish friend helped me to write this chapter, so yeah. Oh yeah, I don't want to offend gay people either. Just thought I'd throw that in there. Also, I kinda went over board with the use of 'naughty words'. If strong language and such easily offend you, don't read this chapter. I would have bumped the rating up, but I don't think that one chapter filled with 'f-word' goodness deserves an M rating.

**Chapter 3 - The Plot Thickens: The How to Raise a Plaga Christmas Special**

* * *

Ramon Salazar hated the holidays. He hated everything about them. The cheer, the commercialism, and most of all, he hated that his family came to visit. Mendez already knew what they were like. Saddler, Krauser, and Luis, however, had no idea that the other Salazars had lived in New York for a time and convinced themselves that they were Jewish; They even painstakingly converted and had their Bar/Bat-Mitzvahs. Most children would be proud; Salazar was pissed. They changed their heritage completely. One of his uncles changed his name from Carlos to Charlie, the other from Eduardo to Eddy. Carlos/Charlie's wife changed her name from Ella to Betty, Eduardo/Eddy's wife changed from Esmeralda to Emmy.

And that's not even including his parents. His mother changed from Labonita to Carol and his father changed from Lord Ramon Salazar the Seventh, to Lord-I-Own-A-Deli-In-The-Upper-West-Side-And-I-Go-To-Temple-Every-Saturday-And-My-New-Name-Is-Murray… The First.

**_December 24_**

_**2100 hours**_

_**The Entryway**_

Salazar's family was due any minute at his (and, formerly, their) castle and, though he wouldn't readily admit it, he was rather nervous. He was pacing back and forth in his entryway, waiting for his yearly death to come about in the form of Aunt Betty and Aunt Emmy, Uncle Charlie and Uncle Eddy, and his psychotic parents. "Why the hell are you so freaking nervous?" Krauser said oh, so eloquently. "I mean, c'mon! How crazy can your family be?"

"Pretty Goddamn crazy…" Mendez mumbled, remembering last year with a shudder. He would never be able to look at Ramon in the same way again. Even though looking at naked baby pictures for two hours would drive any normal man insane, he had to admit Salazar was kinda cute as a baby.

Suddenly remembering last year's 'incident', Salazar stopped his pacing and ran over to his taller friend. "Don't," he said through his teeth, "mention last year to the others, m'kay? My dignity's at stake here."

"That's going to be hard; You had a pretty adorable ass as a baby…" Salazar reacted faster than most people would have in that same situation; He jabbed his elbow **hard** into Mendez's nuts, who promptly fell to the floor in pain, loosing all hope of ever having children.

"Now what are we going to 'forget'?" Salazar whispered kneeling down next to the poor man.

"The pictures…" Mendez said, he voice three octaves higher than normal. "Damn… You have really hard elbows… I swear to God… Once I'm not in immense pain… I'm coming to kick your scrawny white…"

**_Ding Dong!_** Salazar's doorbell decided to ring just at that moment. Huzzah for clever ways to censor things, eh? "Ramon!" a horrid screech from beyond the door said. "Break out the menorah! Your family's here!"

"Menorah?" Saddler said raising an eyebrow.

"You'll see," Salazar said back to him, walking toward the door. Slowly, he put a hand on the doorknob and turned it. "Madre! Padre! Tios! It's **so** wonderful to see you all here again." Through the door walked six people that looked so much like Salazar the others couldn't help but be a little afraid. All seven of the Salazars had pale white skin, white hair, and not one of them was over 3 foot 4 aside from Ramon, who was proud to say that he was 3'6''.

"Oy vey! Ramon! Ya neva visit! Ya neva caul! Wada we gonna do wit chu?" his mother screeched. Ah, another similarity: a squeaky, screechy voice. The only difference was the thick Spanish accent was replaced with an English-language killing Jersey accent.

With a small ahem, Saddler leaned next to Salazar's ear and whispered, "I thought you said they were Catholic."

Turning his head to face Saddler, Salazar mumbled, "They **were **Catholic." Turning back to his 'loving' parents Salazar said, "Sorry, Madre. I've been busy…"

"Yeah! Yer always busy! But whateva… Oh my Gawd! Look how big he is! Murray! Look at how big he is! Ma little baby's grown up!"

Meanwhile, Aunt Betty was flirting with Krauser. "Well, at least I know that my nephew has at least one good friend. Ya kinda good lookin, ya know that?"

_Oh sweet Jesus! I have a 96-year-old woman flirting with me! What did I ever do to deserve this? I should have just stayed dead!_ "Thank you?"

"Hey! Betty! Adultery's against the 10 Commandments! You shmuck!" Uncle Charlie shouted at her.

"There's nothin in the Commandments against flirting with someone whose betta looking than your husband or with someone whose got a bigga d– "

"Alright!" Ramon shouted, not missing a beat. "I'm starting to get a little hungry. Let's have some dinner!"

"Yeah. Dinna sounds nice. Yer a sweet kid…" Uncle Eddy said.

**_December 24_**

_**2400 hours**_

_**The Garden**_

"I hate my family!" That one simple phrase traveled through the garden, past the fountains, the hedges, the walls, past the Colmillos' cages (causing the poor beasts to whimper), through his bedroom, and through the rest of his castle, echoing for effect.

"I hate your family, too. Your psycho aunt was hitting on me! What the hell is she thinking? She's **crazy** old!" Krauser said.

"We need to do something to get rid of your family, Salazar," Saddler said coolly. "They could well jeopardize our whole plan."

"Trust me when I say this, my family won't just leave unless we do something retarded and desperate that they wouldn't appreciate…"

"Like, for example," Luis said with a slight snicker, "seeing you kissing a man over twice your age and twice your height?"

"For the record, you'd need to be seven feet tall to be twice my height. You're only 5'4'' Luis; you're short for a man. You got that, you little bitch? And, yeah that would probably work. But where are we going to find a man over twice my age and twice my height willing to do it?"

You know that strange feeling you get when you aren't paying attention to a conversation and suddenly people are staring at you expecting you to know what they're talking about? That was the very same feeling that Bitores Mendez was feeling after that moment. Laughing, darting puppy-dog brown eyes; smart-ass, but slightly worried grey-blue ones; old, tired pale ice blue eyes that just wanted to go to sleep at that point; and finally pleading, praying, hopeful and maybe even lustful green eyes with a hint of gold fell on Mendez's face, waiting for his reaction.

"I'm sorry, I think I just heard something crazy in my ear; did you all just ask me if I was willing to start kissing Ramon in front of his **family**?"

"Bitores…" Salazar said delicately, "I don't ask you for much…."

"Bullshit! Three hours ago you wanted me to forget last year when your psychotic fucking family showed me all those damn naked baby pictures!"

"Well… I never ask you for anything pertaining to this subject…"

"And I damn well don't want your perfect record to be tarnished now!"

"Bitores… Please…" Salazar felt his eyes tear up. "I can barely stand three hours with those people let alone the next three **weeks**!**"**

"I swear…" Saddler said with a sigh, "that I won't take any pictures… No matter how much I might want to."

"Just pretend you are me," Luis said matter-of-factly, "and you just met a beautiful woman, or in this case a deformed little man (stop glaring at me, Ramon, you know it's true), at a bar. You're a little tipsy; she, or in this case he, is a little tipsy. One thing leads to another and that leads to a cheap room in a Motel 6 and in the morning, you leave quietly, get an AIDS test and never see her, or in this case him, again."

"Luis, you are my new role-model," Krauser said.

"Alright then; we need to make a plan – " Saddler said.

"Whoa! I never said I'd do it!" Bitores shouted.

"… Please… I need you to do this…" Salazar said looking up at Mendez hopefully.

"Now when you say 'need'…" Luis said, not able to resist.

"Not like that! W-we just need to get my family out of the house!" Salazar shouted, blushing a deep red color. _Damn. I think I officially just scared Bitores… I need to submit everything I say to my lawyer for revisions before I open my big fat mouth. _Salazar thought mentally slapping himself.

_Does he… Mean that? _Mendez though, a slight pink-ish hue tinting his cheeks. _I'm honestly just fooling myself… All he needs is his parents gone, you bitch._

**_December 25_**

_**1030 hours**_

_**The Lounge**_

"Are you sure you want to do this…" Mendez said, with a heavy gulp.

"Yes… A-anything that'll get rid of my family, right?" Salazar said with an uneasy laugh.

"Ya know… If you told your parents that you murdered someone, they'd probably leave in a hurry, too… Just thought I'd mention that as an alternative…" _Smooth, Bitores… Real smooth…_

"I guess that would work, too…"

"Oh for Christ's sake!" Saddler said, taking a flying leap into the deep end, away from his normally calm façade. "You two both think the other is sexy; stop being fags about it! Or rather, **start** being fags about it! You already agreed that you'd kiss eachother; don't change the damn plan to murder! Thank you."

"I don't think Bitores is sexy! And just for the record, I'm not gay," Salazar said with a smart-ass look.

"Same here. Only I think I **do** look sexy, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me not thinking Ramon is sexy," Mendez said, looking kind of confused by his own logic. _And that's me, babbling like an idiot…_

"Keep in mind, I can read your thoughts…" Saddler said with a slight smirk.

Salazar and Mendez looked at Sadder, to eachother, then back at Saddler, both of them hoping it was some strange practical joke. "Yeah. I've known about this ever since I met the both of you. Just an FYI, the whole 'releasing Las Plagas' thing wasn't caused by me brainwashing poor, sweet, defenseless Ramon. Yeah fucking right! That little bastard is a hell of a lot tougher than you'd think. He **wanted** to do it in order to impress you Bitores. It's part of that strange mating ritual you humans have… What do you call it...? Flirting! That's the word I was looking for. The majority of said mating ritual is still sort of fuzzy for me, though. Just thought I'd throw **that** out there."

"In that case we need to educate you," Luis said with a wink, "so you can get a new woman every night and live the life of a true man."

"Or, if you have morals," Bitores mumbled, "you'll get married, like me."

"Married?" Salazar shouted, and with a heavy sigh, his voice became less shocked and more disappointed, "Married…"

"You're **married**? To who?" Krauser asked.

"Stella Bella."

"Then the plan's off," Salazar said, walking toward the door.

"But…" Saddler mumbled, trying to save his precious plan.

"No. I'm not going to put Bitores's marriage at steak; and plus have you **seen** Stella Bella? She's got a frickin' **chainsaw**! I don't want Bitores to die just to get my parents to leave. He'll get his head chopped off if she finds out…"

"Or, knowing most women…" said Luis, with a grimace, "he'll get something else chopped off that is **far** more vital to me than any of my other organs!"

"Here, here!" came Krauser's semi-drunk sounding reply.

"Um…" Salazar started, looking at Luis like he was a madman. "I think my brain and heart and liver and lungs are slightly more important… But that's just me."

"Seconded," Mendez mumbled.

"See! You two even have the same beliefs when it comes to your penis! You're **perfect** for eachother!" Luis said with a grin.

"We're sticking with the **God-damn** plan! And we're not changing it in incorporate Mendez's marriage, chainsaws, murder, or… the belief of your **penis**! Is that **clear** to everyone?" Saddler said trying to keep his voice down.

"Yessir," Luis squeaked.

"That was an… interesting noise."

"If you thought **that** was an interesting noise, you should hear me when…"

"Don't finish that sentence, Luis."

"Can I get just a little liquored up so I'll have a good excuse to tell Stella if she finds out?" Mendez said with a shrug.

"Then Ramon's parents will be able to use the same excuse," Saddler said stoically. "And plus using excuses makes you a pussy. And as men, yes even gay men, we are legally obligated to **not** make excuses."

"No, Saddler," Krauser said raising his hand. "You're confusing women and men again. Using excuses makes you a **dick**. And none of us here are gay. Don't even try to argue with me, because, as an American, I need to be homophobic and deny **everything** even though it is so **blatantly** obvious a **retard** could figure it out. And I also need to vote for **other** retards who want to make dumb-ass amendments, go to war, take away women's choices, give the rich **big** old tax cuts, take away our privacy, and drill oil like there's no tomorrow." (AN: Who do you think **I** voted for during the last election?)

"Well… He has a point… And he **is** American… So he must know what's best for everyone in the **entire** world. Even people of different religions, races, sexes, regions, and cultures," Saddler said sarcastically. "Stop being such an American ass-hole, Krauser! You're on **our** side now, not the side of your so-called 'Land of the Free'! So STFU and grab me some booze… And while you're at it, find me some black nail polish and a nail file; I broke a nail." Four very frightened people stared directly at Saddler's face. "I'm Rick James, bitch," Saddler said mimicking Dave Chappelle, popping the hood on his purple robe.

**_December 25_**

_**1900 hours**_

_**The Dining Room**_

"I hate to say it, Ramon, but…" Mendez said as the five cultists sat in the dining room, awaiting the elder Salazars to arrive for 'dinner', "I almost feel sorry for your family…"

"This is exactly how it happens! First you 'almost' feel sorry. Then it's 'kinda'. And the next thing you know, two weeks have passed by and you've died a little inside! No, damn it! **This year** we're going to kick those jack-asses out, once and for all!" Salazar said, Krauser waving the US flag behind him for effect. "Krauser! Stop **doing** that! I'm **Spanish** you sick son of a bitch!"

The dinner bell rang, and the Salazars all piled into the dining room asking the same question: "Wha's fer dinna?"

And at that moment, nothing else mattered. The Salazars' gasping screams didn't matter… The fact that Saddler was taking out his video camera didn't matter… The fact that Luis was silently counting the seconds didn't matter… The fact that my readers are all gagging while reading this didn't matter… The only thing that mattered at that one moment in time was Salazar and Mendez, lips pressed together. Sadly, every moment has to end sometime… The Salazars' facial expression was frozen in a horrible grimace… Saddler put away his video camera thinking 'pay dirt' to himself… Luis ended his count at 48 seconds and 7 milliseconds… And my beloved readers wanted to jump off a cliff to get that horrible mental image out of their brain. "Well," Salazar's father said with a sigh, "we're awl very happy for ya." Mendez froze, his back rigid. _What was that? 'Happy'? No! Damn it! I did not just do this to have them stay another two weeks… Son of a bitch!_

Clearing his throat and trying to hide a blush, Salazar turned to his parents and said, "Hope you don't mind we're having cheeseburgers for dinner."

With a horrid screech, the Salazar family shouted as loud as they possibly could, "Ahhhhhhh! Cheeseburgers are **not** kosher!" And with that, the Salazars sprang from their chairs and ran out of the house as fast as their tiny little legs could carry them.

"Yes they're gone!"

"That was all you had to do to get rid of them? Show them a damn cheeseburger?" Mendez said, his anger rising, just ever so slightly.

With a smirk and a wink, Ramon Salazar nodded his head.

"So that was for nothing?" Mendez said, his one good eye twitched ever so slightly.

"Well," Salazar said with a shrug, "nothing's ever for nothing."

"I hate you. So. Damn. Much," with a small growl, Mendez's anger reached its peak. "Get over here, **right now**, you little, **bitch**!"

"Yeah, you'd like that, won't ya?"

"Bite me!"

"If you insist." Salazar said crossing his arms, like the smart-ass he was.

"You little –" Mendez sprang at his young friend, knocking him down and landing on top of him. Mendez's hands started wrapping around Salazar's thin neck as a threat.

"Rather compromising position, wouldn't you think?"

"You just don't know when the **fuck** to shut your mouth, do you?"

"Well, that's not exactly how I had it planned but…" Saddler said, raising an eyebrow.

"It's still pretty entertaining to watch, though," Luis said, hiding a laugh.

Krauser walked into the dining room at that moment, holding a six-pack of beer, black nail polish, and a nail file. Noticing Mendez on top of Salazar, with his hands squeezing Ramon's neck. "What. The hell. Did I miss?"

"The most interesting conversation you could possibly imagine…" Luis said, chuckling a bit.

"Something tells me that this went a little **beyond** an 'interesting conversation', Luis!"

"Ah!" Saddler exclaimed, sounding just like you would expect Ashley to. But we don't know about her yet, so just forget that last bit… "You've brought me my nail polish! My nails will be smexy once again!"

Krauser nearly dropped the beer he was holding. Luis stopped halfway through the first puff of his cigarette. Mendez stopped strangling Salazar. Salazar stopped choking.

Looking at eachother, Mendez and Salazar at the same time said, "That was the gayest thing I've ever seen."

* * *

And Now For A Public Service Announcement

Salazar, Saddler, Mendez, Luis, and Krauser sat on comfortable chairs, looking like the typical behind the scenes things that you see on **really** bad TV shows. Smiling a really big smile, Salazar said, "Hi, there. We've had some laughs tonight, but keep in mind; this **isn't** what the holidays are about."

Smiling just as wide, Krauser said in a semi-robotic voice, "That's right. It's about the birth of the messiah who will one day save us all. Well, in this group it'd just be me. But **you** know what I mean."

Saddler's eye twitched. "**You traitor**!" He roared, unleashing the claw-penis out from under his dress… Robe! I meant robe! Pointing it at Krauser's neck, Saddler shouted, "Where is your god** now**?"

With an uneasy glance, Luis gave an equally uneasy smile and said, "Actually the holidays are about something** much** more important. They're about spending time with your family and friends."

"No," Mendez said simply, not smiling at all, "the holidays are about the food and the presents."

"Actually, you're all wrong," Salazar said, his wide smile never leaving his face. "The holidays are **all** about using eggnog to take advantage of your close friends and not have them remember in the morning."

"Wow. I'm rubbing off on you, Ramon," Luis said with a small laugh.

"No, you're not," he said simply. Returning to his 'don't do drugs' tone of voice he said, "Remember kids, date-rape drugs **might** be illegal, but the law's on **your** side if you get the person piss-ass-drunk. It's even **better** if the person you're after is a cheep drunk like Bitores."

"So from all of us to you –" Mendez dully read off the cue card in front of him. Realizing what Salazar said, Mendez snapped his head toward his younger friend. "**What** did you just say?"

"Nothing."

"Anyway… From all of us to you, we wish you a Feliz Navidad!"

"Or," Salazar said with a smirk, "a happy Chanukah."

"Or a kick-ass Kwanza," Luis said.

"Or, if you're atheist," Krauser said wiping some blood off his face, "a happy Holy-Crap-I-Get-Free-Shit Day."

"Or if you are a Los Illuminados, like us," Saddler said glaring at all of his companions, "a Feliz Saddler's-Turning-304-But-He's-Not-Telling-Your-Ass-So-Bite-Me Day."

"304?" Luis said, raising an eyebrow.

"Did I say 304? I meant 34."

"Yeah… I'll take your word for it…"

* * *

Merry X-Mas, y'all! And have a very happy New Year! Some of the chapters after this one'll probably be a bit more depressing… After all, nearly a year after this chapter takes place Leon comes in and starts kicking people's asses. You'll get to see the true, manipulative side of Saddler in the next few chapters, so say hurrah!

This is Snow Puff signing off for her fantastical two-week holiday vacation! I get to see the King Tut exhibit tomorrow, too! "The Original King of Bling" how funny is that? Anyway, as usual feel free to review! Peace out!


	4. Chapter Two or The Bella Lesbian Lovers

Alright, HomicidalManiac made me promise that I wouldn't force you guys to wait another month for an update. In short, HERE'S CHAPTER FOUR! Back in the good ol' book format!

* * *

You open up the leather-bound book again, waiting to see what secrets you would find out about the three leaders of the Los Illuminados. Since the last time you read your newest novel, you did some research about the trio of authors. Some parts of their history is blank, and now you silently wish to find out the rest of their lives from this book… 

I couldn't sleep last night; you "lovebirds" were making a little too much noise.

You look at the page, your eyes wide. 'Did I… Miss something?' you think.

_Blush We… Um… Bitores, you handle this one._

**You're hopeless, you know that right? Sigh... It wasn't us; it was Luis. Okay, Saddler?**

I wasn't born yesterday, Mendez. I was born 34 years ago yesterday, thank you.

_Riiight… "34" Wink._

Anyway… I know for a fact it was you two; Luis was with me last night.

_**Saddler! Stop spreading BS stories! - Luis**_

Get over yourself Luis; you know you want some of this.

_**I pick the worst times to read over your shoulders… - Krauser**_

Krauser. Luis. Go… Get me some lunch. Or something…

_**Fine. - Luis**_

_**Go to hell. - Krauser**_

**Well… That's one way to get rid of people… But that actually was Luis last night.**

Yeah, right. Do you have any proof?

**Yes. We were over at my house rather than the castle. We know you bastards well enough to know that if you heard one little moan you'd be all over us like a fat kid on cake.**

Fine. You win. For now…

_So um… Lovely weather we're having, eh?_

Aww… Little Ramon's embarrassed because he's gay…

_I am **not** gay, thank you very much! _

Then what **are **you?_  
_

_I'm uh… Mendez-sexual?_

**I like that.**

_You would._

**We need to make a support group for others like this.**

_eye-roll_

So, Mendez… Did you ever tell Stella?

**Yes I did.**

How did she take it?

**It went like this… I said 'Stella, honey. There's something important I need to tell you… You see me and Ramon –'**

**Then she said 'Oh, no, baby! I had a feeling you and Lord Salazar were meant for eachother and you'd find that out sooner or later; that's why I married you.'**

**Then I was like 'Wait, what do you mean?'**

**Then she dropped the bomb: 'You see… Ella and I aren't really sisters…'**

**Then Ella came in and started making out with Stella. And in that one single… three hours… I remembered why I loved women in the first place… Threesomes!**

_Hm… I really know how to pick 'em…_

**Don't worry, Ramon; I didn't do anything – no matter how much I might have wanted to. And, yes, I do know that I am sleeping on the sofa tonight.**

Why did Stella and Ella call themselves the 'Bella Sisters', anyway?

_Probably because the 'Bella Lesbian Lovers' wasn't as catchy._

You're one to be making fun of lesbians, you fag.

_We went over this, Saddler; I'm Mendez-sexual… Where's my march?_

Up your face.

_**What the hell does that mean? - Krauser**_

Krauser, look! A giant beer!

_**Where? - Krauser**_

You have to go and catch it!

_**Get back here you bastard! - Krauser**_

_Oh, my God._

Yes?

_Oh, ha ha. You're **so** funny and **so** original. Anyway, I honestly never thought anyone would be that stupid to start chasing a giant beer._

Well, Krauser's American. And thus, stupid.

(Author's Note: I do not think all American's are stupid. I think a great majority of us are, though. Especially our President. Thank you.)

_Hm. That makes sense._

**I can't wait for New Year's Eve.**

_I can't either. It's the one day a year I can get drunk and no one'll judge me!_

Ah, yes and after that, it's National Hangover Day.

_What are you smoking? And why aren't you sharing it?_

That's the name I gave to New Year's Day. I re-named New Year's Eve, too.

**What'd you re-name it?**

National Booze-Sex-Pot-Fireworks-and-Women Day.

_I think it's a little long…_

Nonsense! And I am not smoking anything, Salazar.

_Then why does your credit card say 5,432,859 pesatas for "snacks"?_

… I get hungry, damn it!

_Okay then. If we need to have this discussion again, you're going to rehab._

Bite me you little prick. And do something with your hair.

_What do you mean? I love my hair. My hair's my bitch… Aside from Bitores, anyway._

Oh, yeah right, you little bitch! You're half his size. And the biggest pussy I know.

_**What are we talking about?**_

**You gave up chasing the giant beer?**

_**It's foiled me again!**_

**Oh, wait! There it goes!**

_**Get your beery ass back here!**_

_What a retard._

Why don't you two go out and enjoy this lovely snow, I have something I need to do.

_Sounds fun._

**See you later, Saddler.**

Soon those two foolish lovebirds will know my true power. My beloved pawns won't even know what has gotten into them. Except Luis, perhaps. He knows far too much. But Krauser and Mendez and Salazar will soon become my puppets. They won't think their own thoughts, act their own actions, or speak with their own voices. Their minds will become mine soon enough. And I'll take care of Luis in my own sweet time. Who would he be able to run to? Their Plagas will become powerful, it's true… But they won't be much more than those simple ganados…

You read the last passage over and over, trying to find out that Saddler was just joking. That it was some kind of strange inside joke the trio had. Saddler was just trying to scare them. He was just joking… But no matter how many times you tell yourself that, you slowly realize that Saddler meant every single word of it.

* * *

Saddler's starting to show his true colors and his true plans… Dun! Dun! Duuuuuuuuun! Alright, I hope you all have a happy New Year! 

Snow Puff.


	5. Chapter Three or CoughHackWeeze

I wanted to write another chapter before I have to go back to school. So I did. This chapter is a bit more serious than the others but it could still be funny… Kind of… It's still in the book format, though. There are some spoilers for Separate Ways in this chapter, but nothing too major, though. Just some little things that you probably won't even notice. I also filled a minor plot hole or two and gave a name to Salazar's left hand! Yay!

* * *

Chapter 4

You couldn't wait until you would have enough time to read some more of your book. No longer were you trying to find out about the authors' lives; all you wanted to learn at this point was that Saddler was joking, ha ha. He fooled you. Finally, though, you had some free time. You opened it up once again to see… "More blood! Why is there always blood on these pages!" you shout to no one in particular. This looked a little different though… You aren't a doctor, but by your limited knowledge it looked like someone was coughing up blood.

_**Saddler**!_

Yes, Salazar?

_What the **fuck** is wrong with me and what the **hell** did you do?_

What ever do you mean?

_I think you know **exactly** what I mean, Osmond!_

Whoa, you think to yourself. Salazar's really pissed about something… Wonder what happened?

I don't think I do, friend. Care to tell me what it is you think I did?

_I don't **know **what you did, that's why I'm **asking **you!_

**Ramon. Calm. Now, calmly, tell us what you're talking about because if we don't know, what good does it do you?**

_Okay, fine then. Calmly. I've been coughing up blood all damn morning and I think it has something to do with Las Plagas! Care to start sharing your unlimited knowledge, **Lord** Saddler._

You allowed yourself a smug smile before continuing to read.

I believe that Luis could better answer this than I. After all, I don't know what kind of reactions you humans have to the parasite…

_You didn't know what kind of **reactions** we would have? And you **still** injected us with it!_

Well, I knew you weren't in any danger of dying. After all the ganados didn't die from their parasite.

_So you're saying that we're just like the **ganados**?_

Not at all, mi amigo. I'm merely stating that they are weak and they have a weaker parasite. You are all stronger so you get a stronger parasite. I figured it would be the same…

_What do you mean by a "stronger parasite"?_

Rather than just turning you into the ever-expendable ganados, I transformed you both into a higher being, such as myself. I plan on doing the same with Krauser, Luis, and, once we kidnap her, the president's darling daughter. And, before you even ask, Ramon, when I say 'higher being', I mean I gave you a parasite that would fortify your strengths and settle your weaknesses. For example… I gave Mendez a centipede-like creature, to make him even taller and I make him swifter, which was his weakness before I took care of it. And you, Salazar, your dogs are your most precious things, correct?

_You're not retarded Saddler. You can figure it out._

Adorable… I injected you with the same egg as they have. So once your parasite matures, you'll be able to enjoy the Colmillos' company once more without needing to worry about being attacked. And as far as your weakness goes, I gave you a cocoon of sorts to protect you from any direct attacks. And plus, Vurdugo y Vurduga should be able to guard you sufficiently.

_Those two 'body guards' you gave me scare me to all hell. I need to find robes or something to cover the both of them because they're absolutely frightening creatures…_

They won't attack you if it makes you feel any better. And they'll follow any order you give them and they are under my orders as well, they won't attack you unless you or I were to order them to.

_That makes me feel oh **so** much better!_

**Okay, let's not fight. Salazar you're over-reacting to this whole thing. I happen to know that my villagers have coughed up blood after they got injected with Las Plagas, as well. I'm just curious as to why I haven't gotten any of the symptoms yet…**

_**It's because you were injected two days later then Salazar was, Mendez. So you'll be like this in two more days.**_

Ah, Luis. Right on cue.

_**Don't worry about it so much Salazar; it's a normal reaction to the parasite. Also if you get dizzy, pass out, hallucinate, notice that your eyes change colors, or feel like you don't have any control over your actions, they're just more symptoms so don't worry too much… And just out of simple curiosity, what kind of Plaga are you going to infuse with me?**_

The smartest one that I can find, of course. But it would need to also have some amount of physical power because that is what you lack, Dr. Sera.

_**If you don't mind, Lord Saddler, I'd like to borrow Salazar for some tests so I'll be less blind in the future. Knowing Krauser, he'll want an explanation on everything before he does anything.**_

Of course, you may. Have fun.

--------------

_**Okay, Salazar, now that Saddler isn't over my shoulder reading every letter I write down I can actually tell you what's going on.**_

_Alright then, Luis. What's going on?_

_**Saddler has complete control over every person that he's injected with Las Plagas. To him, you, Mendez, Krauser, and myself are nothing more than little puppets he can play with.**_

_That sounds so wrong on so many levels…_

_**And I'm not even a hundred per cent sure that I don't mean it in that way. The point is we're both in danger. I've managed to not get injected yet because Saddler needs me to do research on Las Plagas and create new types of those damn parasites.**_

_Why are you telling me this? I mean if Saddler really does have complete control over my actions, then what if he has me squeal on you?_

_**That's a risk I'm willing to take. Now listen to me very closely, Ramon. You only have three days before your parasite matures. Or at least, you have three days normally…**_

_What do you mean?_

_**I've created a pill that can slow down the development of the parasites. Here. They're yours. Take three of them every five hours and before you go to sleep take six of them. **_

_Are you sure I won't O.D. if I do that?_

_**I'm sure. These pills can buy us more time to find a definite cure for you and Mendez. I'm not sure how long that will take, but I'll be working around the clock.**_

_Thank you, Luis._

_**No problem. Now, there's a bigger issue at hand than the maturity of your parasite.**_

_What?_

_**Saddler.**_

_You think?_

_**Pay attention! Saddler has nearly complete control over the parasite and it's only a matter of time before he can control you.**_

_That's what these pills are for, right?_

_**True, but I'm not a hundred per cent sure of how well they can stop Saddler's strangle hold…**_

_Well, there's only one way to find out, am I right?_

_**Apparently. Now this is something you might already know, but I'm sure Saddler doesn't want you to…**_

_What?_

_**Your family has had the ability to control Las Plagas for 13 generations. **_

_But I'm the 8th castellan… We only go back 8 generations, Luis._

_**You are the 8th castellan, but that doesn't mean that your family didn't exist before you own the castle.**_

_You learn something new every day…_

_**This is something I know you know, because you talk about it constantly. Eight generations ago, your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, Ramon Salazar the first, locked away Las Plagas so your family's had little reason to teach you this ancient skill. You are the only human who can control these monstrous things.**_

_Uh… No, Sadder can control them too._

_**A) I said 'human', and 2) he can't control them naturally like you do. You know that staff that he has?**_

_Yeah…_

_**That's how he can control them. So if you were to take the staff away…**_

_Then he couldn't control us!_

_**Exactly! There's one little problem with that though…**_

_How did I see this coming?_

_**Saddler can inflict a lot of pain without even touching you. I've seen him do it on some of the villagers. I'm not quite sure how, though… If he raises one of his arms, run. That's the only advice I can give you.**_

_What about you?_

_**I've still got some research to do here.**_

_You don't need to finish your research, you know. You can just leave._

_**Not exactly. I can't give you much information on who it is I'm working with, because truthfully I don't know much more than you do. All I can tell you is if you meet a woman named Ada, tell her where I am, okay? Here's a picture of her.**_

_Ada, hm? New girlfriend?_

_**I wish.**_

_If I see her, I'll point her in the right direction._

_**One last thing.**_

_What now?_

_**If you do see her, don't trust her and definitely don't tell her who you are, she has orders to kill you. **_

_So what's my motivation for hunting this chick down?_

_**I don't want you to go out and hunt her down, all I'm asking you to do is IF you see her, just tell her where I am. Okay? You might want to change your clothes… You sort of… Stick out. And knowing Ada, she'll recognize you in a heartbeat if you're in that get up.**_

_Fine. I'll change. And don't worry about me Luis; I'm nearly 20. I can handle myself._

_**Ramon watch out for the…**_

_OW! Shit! That hurt!_

**_Wall… Ai yi yi, Dios, todos estamos muertos..._**

* * *

Just FYI, Luis's last line was "Oh, God, we are all dead…" Or at that's what my translator said. I don't know I don't actually speak Spanish so I hope it's at least close enough. I wanted to end this on a semi-happy/funny note. And give you a bit of foreshadowing! My next few updates'll probably be more spaced out because high school is a bitch… Hopefully I won't force you to wait a whole month, though. As usual, feel free to send me a review.

Paz fuera! (Peace out!)


	6. Chapter Four or Where's Ashley?

Well, school killed me, because it took me a half hour to crank this chapter out, but it took me three weeks to get that half hour.

Now before I start this chapter, let me go on a little bit of a rant, m'kay? M'kay.

**YOU DON'T NEED TO LIKE A PAIRING TO LIKE A STORY! **I'm not saying this for me; I'm saying this for TheHomicidalManiac777. So for all you close-minded bastards out there, this is a warning. Flame her once, just once, and I'll find out where you live, okay? Okay. End rant.

Yeah, I'm not into taking up three paragraphs to present one point. But I'm sure you could guess that by now.

Back to the fic. I'm doing something different this chapter. I'm focusing on the 'you' person for the first half and for the second half I'm focusing on Ashley's kidnapping.

* * *

Time had passed. You could tell. There was something strange in that had happened in between a large gap in the writings of the book. Whatever had happened, you didn't like it. There wasn't any thing that could give you a hint as to what had happened, but Luis's writings had given you enough of a clue that you had a pretty good guess. The writing had a strange similarity to it… Almost like all of the writing was written by the same person, even if the handwriting was as different as ever.

_Saddler_… You knew that he was the reason that the various phrases in that book were now oddly similar. The only way you could tell who was writing what was by the handwriting. It was almost like you had reverted back to when you were first reading it. Before you **knew** what Salazar's, Mendez's, and Saddler's personality was.

Before all the writing got frighteningly similar, you knew that Salazar was prone to insult people and flaunt the fact that he was so much younger than the others. You knew that Mendez was the peacemaker between the other two, always ready with a soothing word or something of that sort and you had also figured out that he happened to be a bit of a mother hen. You had found out that Saddler was manipulative and enjoyed using blackmail to show the other two who they were dealing with. The only way you could tell if Salazar was writing was if you saw the curly, curvy writing that he used. The only way you could tell if Mendez was writing was if you saw the large block letters that he used. And Saddler was easily distinguishable against the different writing styles the others had.

_Why did this have to happen to these three?_

* * *

Ashley was exhausted. She had just walked up and down four flights of stairs repeatedly and she was not in the mood to move. Having classes scattered about so much was a real pain. And to make matters worse, it was nearing midnight. _I still can't believe that Professor Unger made that test four hours long! Ugg! That's the last time I take a class called 'Advanced Virology'!_ Yes, I know, it's quite shocking to me, too. You'd think she wasn't smart enough to enroll in that class. And you're all right. She gave William Unger, her professor, a lap dance in order to get in and pass for the year. And for this reason, she didn't notice the large blond man dressing in fatigues towering over her.

Krauser got out a chloroform stained rag and put it over Ashley's face making her pass out. "Well… That was pretty easy," Krauser mumbled as he picked her up and carried her to the helicopter that was out in the parking lot. That weirdly enough, no one noticed. Granted it was midnight on a college campus with a bunch of bangin' parties, yo, so I guess it wasn't all that strange, but you would think that a drunk/stoned student would have ran into it by now. But the point is, Ashley got her ass kidnapped, and all that good stuff.

* * *

Gah! I am sooooooooooooo sorry for making you all wait three weeks for this piece of utter crap! I just have no time to write anything. I have a paper due on Monday, a poster due on Monday, a test on Monday, and a whole bunch of other shit going on. I humbly apologize, and I'll try and get the next chapter up soon. 


	7. Chapter Five or Pissy Ain't They?

Sorry about last chapter's crappiness… I just had no time to write and I needed to get that chapter up before I did this one… Obviously. Anywho… Here's the seventh chapter. I'll probably end up re-writing that chapter, anyway…

* * *

Ashley's eyes fluttered open delicately to the sight of three men looking at her curiously.

_You can read, can't you?_

"Look it's a book!" She exclaimed followed by a raised eyebrow. "What are you doing?" She asked the first one who had just written something on a page in a blank book.

With a sigh, Salazar answered her, "Just read the book… We're not allowed to say what we want, but the three of us can still write it." Ashley looked at him funny, then grabbed a pen out of her bra and wrote.

Okay, I'm not quite getting what's going on… Care to explain it?

_Happily. Krauser, you know what was going on before she got here; we'll start with you, m'kay?_

_**Whatever… All right, I kidnapped you because this fucking psycho cult priest dude (his name's Saddler) told me to. He's able to control us, which is why we can't just tell you this. And he can't control what we write, but I think we tricked him into thinking that he can.**_

_Krauser, he's Saddler. He can't be tricked. He probably knows exactly what we're doing, but he's not viewing it as a threat because he knows that we're not dumb enough to rise up against him… Again._

**Look Ashley, we're all doomed. We've learned to accept it by now, but you need to get out of here so no one else becomes like us.**

_Or like Luis… It's all my fault…_

**It is not your fault, Ramon… He told you that he was willing to take that risk…**

_But do you think he thought it was actually going to happen? Five hundred pesatas says no._

_**All right lovebirds, let's not talk about Luis. He was a great man… And a damn brave scientist… When he wasn't trying to feel up the ladies, anyway…**_

I don't know who this Luis guy is, but what happened to him?

_**Well, he's locked in a cupboard.**_

That's it? Why don't you just go and free him?

**We'd like to, trust us we would, but we can't or else Saddler'll… Well, I don't know exactly; Ramon's the only one of us who's had it happen to him.**

_It's kinda hard to describe… It's like a never-ending torrent of white-hot pain. Eventually, Saddler will let you pass out, but it takes a while for that to happen because he still wants to get what he's after… I guess the short answer would be it hurts like a bitch._

So… This Saddler guy is, like, a sadist or something?

The three men looked up from the book, shrugged their shoulders, and said, "More or less."

"Oh…"

_Back to writing… You've already been injected with the parasite, so we don't have much time._

Parasite? What parasite?

_Las Plagas. Not important. Let's see… About five days, right? Two before she starts coughing up blood… and four before Saddler will be able to control her… But if we can find Luis's pills, we'll be able to gain another three days…_

_**Didn't you have Luis's pills, Sal?**_

_Don't call me Sal. Ever._

**But it makes you sound so cute…**

_**Yeah, I agree.**_

_If you would like to keep both of your nuts I suggest calling me 'Ramon' or 'Salazar'. Not Sal. And Saddler took them away while I was out. He might be old, but he's not stupid. Remember?_

_**Oh, yeah… That's right… You're the dumb ass of this operation!**_

**Fellas… Let's just…**

_What did you just say to me, you fucking bastard?_

_**You've got ears dontcha, Elf-boy?**_

_You little –_

_**You forget which one of us is little, Sal.**_

Salazar was a reasonably patient man. He could handle being called Sal. He could handle being called dumb. He could even handle the crack about his ears. But one thing he could not handle was being called little. A lesson Krauser was going to learn the hard way.

Something not many people know (nor bothered to find out) is that Salazar can actually hold his own in a fight. Unbelievable, ain't it folks? He was trained in the dying art of fencing. However, just because you know how to fence, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are so fucked up you feel you should carry a rapier around with you constantly. But we forget who I am speaking of. This is Salazar, people! Of course he carries a rapier around with him constantly! Who do you think he is, the pope?

But I ramble. The point is, he drew the thin weapon and pointed it at Krauser's chest, mumbling the phrase, "I'll show you who's little…"

"You want a fight, you just got one!" Krauser shouted drawing his Bowie knife from the sheath.

"Please," Mendez said, panic apparent on his face, "don't do this… Your fights aren't with eachother… Your fights are with Saddler." _Oh no…_ Mendez thought as he realized what he said. _If Saddler's letting me speak out against him… That means he's focusing on something else… He wants them to hurt eachother so they won't fight against him. Damn it! They're both so pig-headed… They won't stop until they get what they want…_

While Mendez was silently musing, his two friends circled eachother, weapons drawn and ready for the slightest movement. Being the more impatient one, Salazar leapt forward thrusting his rapier at Krauser's neck. Krauser dodged by back-flipping out of the way and slashing with his knife. Several minutes later, the former friends were locked in a deadly dance with all manner of bloody cuts and gashes. Thus far, Krauser had the worst cut: a nasty looking gash on his face that he got by miscalculating where his knife would land. Salazar's wounds weren't that far behind Krauser's, though. Krauser had slashed across the palm of his left hand twice, creating an X shaped cut that looked almost like a target. (**FORESHADOWING!**)

Saddler chose to show himself at that point, flanked on either side by Vurdugo and Vurduga. As Saddler skulked into the room, Mendez noticed that Salazar and Krauser's eyes were glowing bright red. "Good show, gentlemen," Saddler mumbled releasing his hold on the pair. Their eyes returned to their normal colors as they gasped in obvious pain. "Sorry. I must have neglected to mention that as long as I control you, you won't feel pain, but as soon as I give you your freedom, you will." He gave a sadistic chuckle, as his highest ranking guards wailed in pain. They froze suddenly as Saddler regained his control. "Lock her in the church," Saddler sneered gesturing to Ashley. "As for you," he said turning to Mendez, "you would be well advised to respect me."

White-hot pain erupted through Mendez's gigantic form as he let off a blood-raising scream. Mendez collapsed lifelessly on the ground as the pain died down. "Pick him up," Saddler addressed the pair of inhuman bodyguards, "and bring him back to the village. We need to make sure that he is ready for any unexpected visitors."

* * *

Whoop! I'm writing well again! My muse has returned! I'm happy. Anyway… I will be back! (Hopefully soon XD) Just an FYI, this story has broken 10,000 words! And I'm not even done yet! How cool is that, eh? Anywho…

Till next time!


	8. Chapter Six or Broken Hearts

_Bitores… I'm worried._

**Don't be.**

_How can you say that?_

**Simple. I know that everything will turn out all right in the end.**

_Please don't tell me that you're really that naïve?_

**It's not naiveté, Ramon.**

_You… You wanted this to happen didn't you? Your loyalty doesn't lie with you friends… It lies with the Los Illuminados… Doesn't it?_

**You're smarter than I give you credit for.**

_But… We're your friends, Bitores… We know what's best for you… And it's certainly not Saddler!_

**Who the hell ever said you were my friend? You're not. I'll admit it; I've been using you since the beginning. Your damn family took away Las Plagas… And I vowed to get them back… By any means necessary.**

_How dare you! Don't you get it Mendez? This is no longer just about our little group's welfare, **now** it's about the fate of the world! Saddler's just using you!_

**I know.**

_How can you just lay back and do nothing about this?_

**Love.**

_Well… We've all seen how well you know the definition of **that** term! So I've got to assume that Saddler's plan is doomed to fail._

**There is a huge difference between loving to achieve a goal and loving unconditionally. I may die in this mission, but my love for the Los Illuminados will live on.**

_You just don't understand, do you?_

**I understand that you're upset. I broke your heart; you poor, poor thing. Salazar, grow up.**

_You **don't** understand. This isn't about me any more, Mendez. It's not even about you. It's not about Krauser. Or Luis. Or Ashley. It isn't even about Saddler. This is about the world. Saddler wants to destroy it. I want to save it. Who are you going to follow?_

**Lord Saddler.**

_And here I was expecting a different answer… Mendez, I pray to God that you will be the first to fall so that I can show you how much I truly hate you._

**I thought you loved me?**

_So did I._

Salazar closed the book forcefully and walked out of Mendez's cabin shaking his head sadly. _Mendez… You could have chosen a different life… But no. You chose this one. And there's nothing I can do to save you anymore._

You looked at the pages. Mendez's words laced with deceit and sarcasm. And Salazar's word laced with pain and gentle urging. _Salazar still loves him…_ You think to yourself. _He'd still probably feel the same no matter what Mendez did to him… Salazar could say 'I hate you' but I don't think that's true…_

* * *

Sorry it's so short, but writer's block is a real pain in the ass… And to be perfectly frank, so is love. Love bites… Don't ever fall in it, you get stuck and won't be able to get out of it… Anyway back to my story… At first I was planning a sappy Disney-esque sort of thing, but, no. I've decided to take this chapter from my life. Ya see, there's these two people that I've got feelings for… But that's not the point. I'm sure I'll figure out what to do eventually… Or else I'll go insane. So, as usual, review…

Peace Out!


	9. Chapter Seven or Bad Luck Charm

Oh, my God! This is the second to last chapter! Ahhhhhhh! And it's short! Any way, let's do this thing-y!

Mendez is dead. Luis is dead. Salazar is dead. Krauser is dead. This American nuisance is a real thorn in my side. This damn book is a bad luck charm, I swear. My strongest, my smartest, my most dedicated… They've all succumbed to this poisonous human. This… Leon.

There is no man alive who can destroy me, though. As long as I get rid of this book. This charm of the dead. I'll have one of the Ganado put this somewhere in the castle. There's nothing there aside from moths and corpses. No, better yet… I'll give this to the meddlesome "bitch-in-red" as Krauser called her.

"You'll never get away with this," she says to me.

"You truly believe that?"

"I do."

"That's exactly what my youngest and most dedicated member thought of this plan once; he was wrong."

"Salazar might have been wrong, but at least he could stand up for what was right!"

"My dear, this is the real world, the dashing American hero doesn't always swoop in and defeat the 'evil' in the world. Only evil can stop evil. Only a murder can stop a murderer. Only a theft can stop a thief. Only a rape can stop a rapist."

"You're even more twisted than I imagined."

" You're… close to the American, are you not?"

"You're close to many people as well, correct?"

"Not as close as you would expect."

"Care to explain?"

"Not really, but I will anyway. Krauser thought I trusted him. Salazar thought I gave him the ability to control the parasite. Luis thought he was going to get away. Mendez thought I would reward him for stopping Salazar's second revolt before it started. They all thought things that couldn't be further from the truth."

"So you had them believing things that they would get that you were never planning to give? You really are evil. I thought that no one could top Wesker, but you have. Be proud." She spat on the ground.

"So unladylike. It's a shame that you helped with the rebellion; I would have so loved it if you were injected."

"I didn't help the rebellion to cause you or anyone else 'shame'. I helped it because Luis was due back home – in America!"

"You didn't even know that Luis was involved at first."

"But I did know that if Salazar, the person who helped you spread this plague in the first place, was trying to stop you, than you were much worse than Umbrella had originally estimated. Luis was in danger, that much I knew."

"Feisty little thing aren't you?"

Wow, the next chapter is the last one… That's both exciting and sad at the same time! But, I'll only have two ongoing fics after that, which means I'll have more time to update those two.

Peace out!


	10. Final Chapter or Choices

Oh my God… This is the last chapter, boys and girls! And I would like to say, before I start (and end) this, that everyone who reviewed is teh hawtest doods eb3r! Anyway… Moving on from that. I really do want everyone who has read this to know that I love them! You've given me the confidence to actually write what I want, rather than just writing what I think the people want. With that said, let's get this party started!

You stare at next page in the book. It wasn't blank like you had expected. _Who else wrote in this?_

-

I, Ada Wong, have been touched by this… Book in a way I can never hope to describe in words. However, I know the events that this book didn't even begin to discuss. I wish not to go into detail, lest Wesker finds this and chooses to use this information against me. After all, I'm sure that my betrayal will not be appreciated.

The one thing that I believe I can write down, however, is a conversation that I had with the castilian, excuse me – Salazar. No, Ramon. I suppose that he and I talked enough to be on a first name basis…

"Senorita, you're not like the rest of us. You're human – you have a conscience. So use it!" He said it with a force that surprised me at first. I merely rolled my eyes – I figured he was a child who didn't know the first thing about my job. "I know for a fact that you don't want to give Wesker that sample. You're too smart for that…"

"Oh? And why do you believe that my intentions with the sample are any of your business?"

"Because Wesker and Saddler are far too similar for my tastes… You'll wind up getting injected – Just like what happened to me."

"You never chose what you did, Salazar. I have chosen."

"I believe that you have it backwards – I chose my fate. You're the one who has no control."

"Salazar…"

"Senorita, I happen to be the most vile human (well, former-human at any rate) in Spain. I'd say the world, but I believe that Wesker has me beat…"

"And where exactly does Saddler fit into this equation, then?"

"Saddler was never human… He never had a conscience, or feelings, or – or a fucking soul! He's always been a parasite; he doesn't count." He cast his eyes downward. "Please, senorita… Promise me you won't give Wesker the sample. That's my final wish, senorita."

"Final wish?"

"Senor Kennedy…"

"I can stop him, you know. I can explain all of this to him. It doesn't need to end like this."

He held up his left hand, which had a bloody puncture wound in the center of his palm. I gasped, obviously horrified. "Somehow, senorita, I don't think you'd be able to stop him. He's more than 'slightly angry'."

"But –"

"Senorita, the spirit of a revolutionary never dies."

"But I have a feeling that your body will not have the same amount of immortality!"

"Ada… Go to Saddler's island. Save senorita Graham and stop Saddler from destroying civilization as we know it."

"I will…"

"Be weary of Krauser – I'm not certain as to where his loyalty lies… As for the sample, give Wesker this." He handed me a syringe, filled with a deep purple liquid. A single, small egg of the Plaga floated in the dark colored fluid, waiting to get injected into an unfortunate host.

"What ever happened to my conscience?" Ramon simply winked at my question. 'Ah, so it's fake,' I thought to myself as I placed it in my attaché case. "Thank you for everything, Ramon."

"I'm the one that should be thankful. Now, unless you want to be caught up in the crossfire, I suggest you leave. There's a boat waiting for you and (once he catches up) Senor Kennedy."

"So does that mean you're going to surrender?"

"Now that is something I never said."

"So you're going to try and kill Leon?"

"Why does everything have to be so black and white with you Americans? I never said I was going to give up, but I am not going to kill him either. At the most, you can expect a broken arm, maybe!" Though by his expression, I could tell that he was thinking something along the lines of 'Or at the **very** most, he'll get his head bitten off.'

And that was how I left him. I don't know why I didn't choose to stay and spare his life, but my best guess is that there was something so miserable in those golden eyes that I could just tell that death was his only escape from Saddler.

To anyone reading this book: Remember that power, strength, servitude, intelligence, and love don't bring you happiness. The only thing that brings happiness are the choices you make.

-

Paper clipped to the page was a crumpled and worn picture. From Luis to Krauser to Salazar to Mendez to Saddler, they were all standing in that picture. They looked… Happy. Each one of them had a smile on their faces, making them look like a dysfunctional family. But under the surface of that 'family', a deadly force threatened to tear them apart…

And… Cut! There we go, ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages! It is complete! I think I might have made the ending a tad to preach-y but ah, what the hell? In any case, leave a review, as it will be your last! BWAHAHA!

Peace Out!


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